


and they cried holy holy holy

by zigzagoon



Category: Doom Patrol (TV)
Genre: Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Implied Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, Self Harm, a lot of it, religious trauma, well. its a suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-09-16
Packaged: 2020-03-23 19:21:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18997540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zigzagoon/pseuds/zigzagoon
Summary: memories hurt.a series of short scenes and flashbacks.





	1. ONE

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Veronica my bro](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Veronica+my+bro).



> SPECIAL THANKS TO THE FUCGIFNG DP DISCORD i dont know SHIT

“Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.” The pastor had told him. “Queers go to hell. It is the will of God.” Larry’s mother elbowed him, a way of saying this included him. “Join me in prayer so the sinners may reach Salvation and Repentance.” He raised his arms, framing the holy cross behind him. “Peace be with you.”

“And also with you.” All stood. Except Larry. 

“God is Good.” He said. 

“All the time.” All prayed. Except Larry. His father glared at him. He could feel the eyes of everyone around him- even if they weren’t looking- he knew what they thought of him. He wished he was good and pure. He wanted nothing more than to be loved by God like everyone else was.   
But he was just a sinner. A blemish on the tapestry of God’s vision. 

None of that was true, of course, but as an 11 year old in the deep south in 1935- he had no choice but to believe. 

“Larry.” His father whispered angrily. “Stand. Up. Now.” 

“I don’t wanna.” Larry whispered back. He didn’t. He was tired. Ever since his parents found out about his preference for boys they had woken him up early almost every morning to pray- to be reminded of his damnation- to go to church and be told over and over again he was unnatural. He was so tired. 

“Larry. If you don’t stand right now- You’ll be choosing a switch when we get home.” 

“I’m tired-” He kicked his feet.

“Lawrence Michael Trainor.” His mother hissed. “You’re embarrassing us.” Larry could hear a waver in her voice. 

“-in God’s name, amen.” The pastor finished. 

“Amen.” 

“You are dismissed.” 

“Bless you, father.” someone behind Larry said. He couldn’t see very well through his own tears. He couldn’t help but feel like it was all his fault.   
Now was, in Larry’s opinion, one of the worst parts of church. His parents beelined to Benjamin Quincy’s- probably to tell them to keep their son away from him. Again. Larry could already hear them berating Ben’s poor father- accusing them of turning their sweet son to the Devil and a path of damnation. 

 

This was almost 90 years ago, but Larry could remember it like it was yesterday. He’d never admit it- but sometimes he still felt like that scared boy praying for a salvation that’ll never come. 

Chief had bought him a bible, when he first moved into the manor, thinking it would remind him of home. He didn’t know, of course, the kind of history Larry had with religion- but it was enough to release the spirit on a rampage. Chief thought that was interesting. Larry thought it was a headache- literally and metaphorically.   
He actually wasn’t sure where it was now, actually. It had disappeared mysteriously years ago- after he had given Rita a vague idea of how his childhood was.   
He never looked for it.

It wasn’t until the patrol had to go into a church that Larry really thought about this again. Ordinarily he pretends it never happened- that he never had a childhood at all. It was easier than having to face it. He forgot why, exactly, they were there- but- 

“Larry?” Cliff turned back, already halfway through the doors. Larry had stopped about ten feet off- Jane near him. “You coming?” 

“Ah.” was all he could say in reply. This looked like his old one. His lungs felt like they were full of water. Jane tilted her head at him. She had a reason to hate this place- not to say he probably didn’t have one too- but she had definitely never heard about this before. “I.” 

“We have two people against this stuff, now?” Cliff. He meant well, but he was about as sensitive as a brick. “What happened to you?” 

Larry said nothing. Jane stepped up. “He doesn’t have to tell you. Just- go without us.” Cliff did the closest thing to a shrug he could do and left. Larry wanted to thank Jane- in his own quiet way- but he was a little overwhelmed for that. God. He could still hear the pastors words stinging his heart. He felt Jane’s eyes on him. 

Repent, old sinner. Repent and be redeemed. 

“Fuck.” Larry turned and walked away. “Fuck!” 

“I guess the church screwed both of us over.” Jane crossed her arms. Larry only sighed. 

“It screws everyone over. Whether they realize it or not.” 

“Hm.” Jane agreed. “It’s a fucked up institution.” Larry’s chest glowed gently. 

“God. I want to go back to the manor.” He placed a hand on his chest, trying to soothe the spirit. “Take a nap.” 

“Me too.” Jane leaned against a wall. 

They stood in silence, before Larry spoke again.

“The church by my house looked like this. Growing up.” He glanced back at it for a moment. “God. I hated that place.” 

Jane watched him for a moment. They were the two most closed off people in the manor- this was literally the most he had ever said about himself to her. 

“Boring?” 

“I guess.” Larry did not say it was because they hated him. He did not say that the priest told him he deserved damnation. He did not say that he still had nightmares about it. “I was. Not well liked, I guess.” 

“Oh.” Jane did not share her own trauma related to it. She couldn’t. She didn’t want to. “Are you still…?” 

“God, no. I’m not a fan of- any of it, really. I don’t know.” He tries to tell her without really saying anything at all. “They. Really. Don’t like the kind of person I am. Is all.” 

“Me neither.” She nodded. This conversation was so. Fucking. Awkward. But it was still the most they had talked in a long time. “Bad church experiences club.” 

Larry chuckled. “Bad church experiences club.”


	2. TWO

Larry was in class. Thirteen years old and already fully aware of his fate. Homosexuality is an abomination, he knew. God does not make mistakes, he knew.  
So why is he cursed with these feelings? 

“God created all creatures in the Beginning-” his teacher was explaining in the background. Larry had heard this story a million times- both in and out of church. He was daydreaming about the boy who sat in front of him- he had the bluest eyes, and- no.  
No.  
Larry couldn’t think like that. That was a sin. He mentally scolded himself for letting his guard down. He had to have a wife. A family- or suffer for all eternity. 

“God is love,” said his teacher. 

It doesn’t feel much like love to Larry. 

-

He regretted doing this. Larry found himself standing in front of the team- during Cliff’s sudden group therapy session and subsequent freakout. 

“Well.” He started, but paused. God. God. God. Why did he think he could do this? Why did he think it would be a good idea to come out? To let the only people he ever felt like he could trust learn his ugly, terrible truth and scorn him just as his own family did? 

“I’m-” 

“GAY!” Cliff interrupted suddenly. Larry froze. Oh god. Oh god. They knew. They KNEW. How did they know? No. Fuck. He was reading too far into this. Unless he wasn’t. The others protested Cliff’s outburst. 

“Okay! I just thought Larry was about to come out- and it would’ve been so healing for him!” 

Larry is thankful for the bandages covering his tears. 

"I think all I wanted to say was...it gets lonely, not touching anyone for 60 years. the last person I ever touched was John Bowers. I- I loved him. and I drove him away." Larry hoped that was vague enough. God. He could see it now- remembering how his parents reacted when they figured it out for themselves- how the church had reacted- how the other boys had reacted- how he had joined the army in an effort to make himself more masculine, more straight- he couldn’t help but think about all the possible ways he could kill himself right here right now.

“I knew it.” Cliff stood. Larry panicked. “I just want you to know that you’re loved- and accepted-” He hugged Larry, and Larry didn’t know what to do. 

He’d never been offered acceptance before. How do you react to that? 

“I’m not done.” He snapped. It was the best he knew how to do. 

“I’m only sharing this because it’s the thing Mr. Nobody shoved in my face.” A clarification he knew this was immoral. He knew he was wrong. “What’s left, of my face.” 

Pause. 

“That was a joke. God- these bandages are the death of all nuance.” He failed to lighten the mood. He could feel everyone’s judgement, burning his skin like the fire did so many years ago. “Look. If Mr. Nobody’s goal is to torture me, well- I’ve been doing his work for him. Whipping myself in a- a prison of my own making.” Fuck. That sounded kind of cliche.”And wh- what if I trusted John, what if I’d been more brave- and guess what? I’m sick of it! I’m not just hurting myself- I’m hurting this thing inside of me and it’s hurting me back, endlessly, until there’s so much self-loathing I can barely breathe.” He’s trying so, so hard not to break down. He returns to his spot on the couch and slumps, already tuned out and waiting for his inevitable punishment. 

He’s only greeted with Rita’s hand on his back, a small comfort, but a welcome one nonetheless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love robbery and fraud 
> 
> i was just thinking about how larry felt during therapy patrol. goddamn


	3. THREE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter after this is going to be A Lot so this one is super light-hearted compared to the other two as a bit of a break.

The last time Larry was in love was with John. It was, admittedly, most of what he thought about, these days- but it was the only time he could ever exist in peace around another person. Even if John was a little too open for Larry’s comfort, he was comfortable in his own skin during the rare times they could sneak a moment together. 

He missed John so, so much. Not only because he loved him- though that was a big part- but because he missed feeling safe. He missed feeling loved. He missed feeling anything at all.

-

“So. You’re gay?” Cliff had asked, one morning. 

“Yes.” Larry answered, a little too shortly. 

“Aren’t you from- like- the 30s?” 

“Yes.” Larry said again, knowing full well what question was going to come next. 

“Did your parents-” Cliff paused, trying to find the words. “Take it well? How did you- do that? Back then?” 

Larry didn’t answer, at first. He actually had no idea what Cliff was referring to. “What?” 

“Y’know- you said you had a boyfriend? John? How did you hide it? Since homosexuality was, like- illegal.” 

Larry considers losing it. “They. Did not take it well.” He started, failing to mention how most parents in the day had a habit of ‘beating the queer’ out of their children. “We hid it with difficulty. I mean- we risked getting murdered- or worse, if we were caught.” 

“Damn.” Cliff said. “That’s rough.”

“Yeah.” Larry sighed. He hated this conversation so much. “I married a girl I knew right out of high school- that was normal, back then- but I guess I thought if I just forced myself into it I’d turn straight, or something?” 

“Did it work?” 

“No. I cheated on her for years with other men and ruined my family.” 

“Oh.” Cliff feels so awkward. “I mean- I did that too. Cheated on my wife. But I didn’t have a good reason for it. Like you did.” 

“Cliff, I didn’t have a good reason. I don’t know what you mean by that.” 

“Sure you did! I mean- cheating at all is a dick move, no matter what- but, like, you’re gay. And you got forced to marry a woman so you wouldn’t die.” 

“Cliff-” 

“And gay marriage is legal now! So- like- it got better! Gay rights!” 

“It’s legal?” 

“Yeah! In 2015- thought we celebrated it! But then you wouldn’t leave your room because you were sad about something again, and then Jane-” 

“It’s legal now.” Larry said again, not listening to anything Cliff was saying. “Holy shit.” 

“-Then Hammerhead threw me across a room and Chief had to wire my legs back on.” 

“I hated myself so fucking much for- so long-” Larry’s face is unreadable to Cliff. “The number of times I considered killing myself because I thought there was no other option- and it’s been legal for almost five years. And I didn’t know about it.” 

“How did you find out you were. You know?” Cliff asked, trying to avoid talking about Larry’s apparent suicidal tendencies. 

“What?” 

“How did you know you were gay?” 

“Oh. I mean- when I was a kid it was pretty watered down- but I never liked the idea of having a wife or a girlfriend like everyone expected me to. In middle school, though? The boy’s locker room was definitely an eye-opener- and in my twenties I-” Larry was not going to finish that sentence. Cliff hadn’t unlocked that part of his backstory yet. “God. I tried to repress it for so long, though. It’s really weird, having other people know.” Larry’s chest glowed gently. 

“It’s okay, now. There’s even gay hookup apps, and stuff. I bet Vic could help you set one up.” 

Larry shrunk into his coat. He could barely handle seeing a man in shorts, the other day. He really didn’t think he was ready for this. “Cliff. I’m not. I can’t do this.” 

“Why not? You’re free to be yourself!” 

“Cliff. It’s been ingrained in me since I was a kid that being gay was some- awful, horrible thing. This- acceptance? It’s too new to me. I’m not ready to embrace it. I can’t.” I can’t go to hell, was what Larry was thinking. I can’t do that. “Ninety years of- of repression- and self hatred- and hiding- and all of that, I can’t just- bounce back, Cliff. I need time to think about this.” 

“Do that! You can talk to me, if you need to, Larry!” 

“Maybe I will.”


	4. FOUR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for. so. much. good god

Larry was 16 when he hurt himself for the first time. It wasn’t on purpose- he was trying to whittle a little plane in class when he sliced his thumb- but he never really stopped. He felt like he deserved it- maybe the sins he held would leave his body, dripping like blood down his arms.   
Or maybe he just wanted to feel something other than shame.  
Either way- it was the one thing he could feel totally in control of. Something that finally felt justified. Unlike his unwavering attraction toward the other boys in his classes- like the now-constant disdain of his parents- unlike the smile his first kiss gave him before they left each other behind.   
His parents never actually knew about this habit, but Larry convinced himself they did.He told himself this was what they really wanted- between the constant threats of going to hell, or the reminders he’s ruining their perfect family- maybe they did just want him to hurt.   
Suicide, back then, was almost unthinkable.   
Nowadays, Larry considers it often.   
-

Rita noticed something was- more off than usual. Larry had always been a melancholic person, but even Cliff had realized Larry not leaving his room for three days wasn’t normal. She eventually took it upon herself to drag him out of whatever slump he had gotten himself into, again- whether he liked it or not. 

“Larry?” She called through his doors. Sound didn’t travel well through all that- but she was very good at being heard when she wanted to be. “Larry!” 

Larry did not answer. He was bandaged, luckily, as he knew Rita would inevitably come storming in, but he didn’t want her to see the blood seeping through. He had relapsed, again, though he had nobody left to report it to with the Chief gone. That was for the best, he thought.   
“LARRY!” Rita knocked on the door. “I’m coming in there!” 

Larry groaned. He wasn’t sure why he wasn’t stopping her. He could easily just say it would be too dangerous, or- 

He could hear the decontamination chamber hiss. Fuck. He had to clean himself up fast. 

“Can you- wait just a-” Too late. Rita entered, concerned. “Fuck.” 

“Ah.’ Rita started, but paused, seeing Larry’s red bandages. “Larry. What were you doing in here?” Larry kicked the pocketknife he dropped under his dresser. 

“Nothing.” 

“Larry. You’re a terrible liar and I just watched you hide something. What did you do?” 

Larry shifted his weight nervously. Everyone else he was positive wouldn’t care too much about this- though, of course, that wasn’t even remotely true- but Rita? 

“I.” Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. How is he supposed to tell her he was just cutting up his own arms in an attempt to feel better about himself? To punish himself for being gay? How do you say that casually? “I was.” 

“You were?” In truth, Rita already had an idea what he was doing. She just needed him to admit he needed help. 

Larry avoided eye contact, though that was invisible to Rita through his goggles. “I was. Dealing with. Things.” He can feel the dams breaking. He really, really does not want to cry to Rita right now. 

“Dealing with what?” Come on, Larry. 

“Shit.” was all he could get out before he started sobbing. Rita sighed and put her hand on his back, like she always did when he has a hard time.   
This was not the first time she’s seen him at his lowest, and she knew it wouldn’t be her last. It used to be a mystery to her- she always knew he was hiding something important about himself, but what it was, exactly, she couldn’t guess. Now that he came out, though, she had a whole new perspective on it all. 

This explained a lot, actually. She had thrown away the bible Chief had gifted him, because she knew he did not like the church, though she didn’t understand why until now. He had always avoided talking about relationships at all, and would shut down when asked about his past. Larry didn’t know that she knew about the times he would hobble gingerly toward Chief’s lab, blood dripping from his limbs and the burden of being a sinner on his mind.   
Larry was especially bitter toward the spirit, after those nights. Now Rita knew how he was so sure it won’t let him die. 

“It’s okay, Larry.” was all she could think to say. “You’re safe, now.” He couldn’t answer past pulling her into a hug. Rita was pretty sure he was getting blood on her dress- but she didn’t mind. “I’d offer to patch you up, but I think you have enough bandages.” 

Larry couldn’t help but laugh slightly at that. “God, Rita. I’m sorry. I hate to involve you in my own shit-” 

“Larry. You’re my best friend and I care about you, even if you don’t care about you.” 

“I know. I just- I should be over this already. I haven’t been to church in over sixty years- my parents have been dead for seventy- John’s already moved on- I just- goddammit, Rita. I’m lonely.” He pulls away to sit on his bed, head in his hands. “I haven’t touched another man in- god knows how long- and all I can think about is how wanting to is in itself a fucking abomination-” 

“No.” Rita interrupted. “I’m not allowing that kind of negativity! It is not an abomination and you know it.” Larry only looked at her. “Now continue.” 

“Uh. Okay. I miss- god, it sounds so stupid, but- I really miss-” He struggles to find the words. “Kissing men?” 

Rita only nodded. 

“I didn’t have the chance to- very often- but- god, Rita. There was this club- near one of my posts at the military. Before I met John. It wasn’t officially anything, but it was already a pretty established gay club. But, you know- it was more of a secret.” 

“There was one of those near my apartment, you know.” Larry nodded. 

“They were usually old speakeasies. But there was this man there- he was- he was really something, Rita. He was a regular, I think. Really tall.” Larry sighed wistfully. Rita smiled at him. She liked seeing him like that. Happy- or at least as close to happiness as she’d seen him get. “We spent… a lot of time together. Mostly in motel rooms.” 

“What was his name?” 

“I don’t remember. It was so long ago. I miss him anyway, though. Even if it was just a fling.” 

“I understand.” Rita said, simply. “Have you considered- getting out there, again?” 

“What, like dating? Cliff suggested it to me, but- I thought he was too enthusiastic about it. I don’t know.” It scared him, to be honest. 

“I’m sure there are other gay metahumans.” Rita assured him. “With a tolerance for radiation.” 

“It’s not them I’m worried about.” 

“What, then?” 

“How can someone love me when I can’t?” Larry was emotionless through the bandages, but Rita thought she could hear a frown. “I hate myself so. Fucking. Much, Rita. I can’t kill myself no matter how much I try- but what good is someone who’s only alive because something else is forcing them to be? Who would want that kind of baggage, Rita? Not even the fucking spirit can handle it, and it’s the thing keeping me this way.” His chest glowed. 

“The first step is realizing you have a problem.” 

“I realize I have a problem, Rita. I realized it when I was seven years old, thinking about some boy in my math class. I realized it every-goddamn-day when my own mother would cry and tell me she wished I’d never been born- that no matter what I did she would always love God more than me.” His voice wavered. “I realized it in church, and in school, and at home- every time the newspapers would come in with more horror stories about gay men found dead- every time a kid got the shit beat out of him by his own parents. It’s nobody’s fault but my own, Rita.” He huffed, and Rita faltered. She had never seen this from him before. “God-fucking-dammit! If I could’ve just been a normal person- for once in my goddamn life- god. Oh my god.” He stopped. 

“Larry?” 

“I fucking died, didn’t I?” He stood suddenly. “I died in that fucking plane crash and this is hell. I can’t die. I can’t touch anyone. I’m stuck wallowing in my own self-loathing like a fucking-” 

“Larry.” Rita said again, firmly. 

“And I deserve all of it! I destroyed everyone I ever loved! Just because I’m not attracted to women? Big fucking deal! I should’ve just sucked it up. I’m a fucking coward! I should’ve killed myself when I was twenty like I planned! But no. I was too scared. Fuck this! I-” 

“Larry!” Rita half-yelled, stopping Larry mid sentence. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but you are not helping yourself. Stop having a pity-party and listen to me.” 

Larry didn’t answer. He was breathing shakily. Rita could tell he was likely crying under there again. 

“There’s nothing wrong with you. Nothing!” She held up her hands. “I’m sorry you were told there was, but they were blatantly wrong. All of them. Liars.” She paused to watch him. He was standing as still as a statue, watching her silently. She hoped that meant he was listening. “I know it’s been ingrained into you. But you need to leave it behind. Stop dragging it with you. It will only hurt more. You’re accepted here, Larry. Nobody would even consider hurting you over something as simple as your sexuality. You don’t need to carry that weight anymore.” 

Larry sighed. “I’m sorry, Rita. I didn’t mean to yell at you.” 

“It’s okay, Larry. I can’t imagine what you could be going through- but I offer my support, nonetheless.” 

“I.” He paused. “Thank you.”


	5. FIVE

When Larry was in the ant farm, he did not fear the torture. He knew he had it coming, anyway. It was God’s Will. 

“You transferred a lot, Larry.” Forsythe would say, through the glass. “You were running from something. I intend to find out what.” 

“I wasn’t running from anything.” Larry would say, over and over again. 

The truth was Larry was running. Every time he thought his secret would be compromised he ran. Every time a fling ended or a boyfriend left or any of his army friends even joked about him being gay- he ran. 

Now he faced the consequences for his actions, and he understood. 

-

“Larry.” Chief said, bringing him back to attention. “What’s troubling you?” 

This was before it all went downhill. Before Larry would come out. Before Mr. Nobody would remind him of every mistake he’d ever made. Before everything. 

“Nothing. Just- remembering, is all.” Larry answered, quietly. “Before the accident.” 

“Before the accident?” Chief knew it wasn’t really an accident. Larry did not. “Are you ready to talk about it?” 

“No.” Larry said, quickly. Chief already knew there was something about him and John. He couldn’t risk him figuring that out. “No. The past is- it’s already happened. It doesn't matter.” 

“Oh, but it does, Larry.” Chief answered, in his usual way. “The past may not define us as much as the future, but it still needs to be learned from.” Larry sighed. He had heard this so many times. 

“I did learn from it, Chief.” He learned very, very well. “It just sucks.” 

“Is this about your friendship with John?” Larry froze. “I know you two were very… close.” 

“We weren’t. I don’t want to talk about him.” He shrunk into his coat. Chief raised an eyebrow. 

“You never want to talk about him, Larry. It’s not healthy.” 

“It doesn’t matter. He’s probably dead, now.” 

“Do you miss him?” Chief tilted his head. He knew there had to be a way to get through Larry’s shell. If he was to be a hero, like Niles intended, he had to face this head-on. 

Larry took a moment before answering, assessing the risks. Was it too obvious to say yes?  
“...I do.” He paused. “A. Bit.” 

Chief nodded. He was getting closer. “Quite a bit, you would say?” 

It was Larry’s turn to nod, adrenaline flaring up hot in his chest. “We were friends. That’s it.” 

“I wasn’t implying anything else.” Larry breathed in slightly. Chief could tell he was getting anxious. “Though- we both know- you two were… a bit more than friends, yes?” 

“No. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t want to do this anymore.” Larry glanced around, starting to panic. “Whoever told you that, Chief- I- it’s not true. I didn’t even like him!” That was a bold lie. “I mean- if anybody was cheating- I mean- Sheryl and I were strained by the end of it-” He’s grasping for straws. 

“Larry. We both know Sheryl was-” Chief was interrupted by a flash of light and Larry’s head slamming on the table. The spirit stood through the table, eyeing Chief down. He couldn’t tell how it was feeling- but judging from how agitated Larry had been beforehand, he didn’t think it was happy with him. No matter. 

“There you are.” He started, but the spirit shook its head. “No? You don’t want to talk to me?” It shook its head again and held up a hand. “Oh. Who taught you the middle finger?” It tilted its head. Chief could feel it glaring daggers at him. “I’m sorry I hurt you. It’s important that Captain Trainor learn to-” The spirit had enough of that. It flew in a small circle around Chief, shorting out the lone light in the room. A threat. It knew Chief knew what it was capable of. 

Larry awoke suddenly to Chief watching him. He must’ve needed the spirit for something- he doesn’t really know about John. He sighed, instinctively rubbing his goggles. 

“That was… unintentional. I apologize, Larry.” Larry looked at him. What the fuck was he after? “Now- John-” 

“No. Fuck, Niles. I’m not doing this.” Larry stood. “I’m not reliving my mistakes for you. I’m going to take a nap.” 

“Larry. We both know it wasn’t a mistake.” Chief held out his hands. “You cheated on your wife. You hid. Why?” 

“I did not cheat on Sheryl. I did not hide. Niles. I don’t know what you want from me, but I’m not going to-” He paused. “I’m not going to do this. I cared about her.” That, at least, was not a lie. “I loved her.” That was. “It’s over, now. I’m paying for what I did- who I was. Just- let that be.” 

“Who were you, though?” 

“I was a sinner, Chief.” Larry left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM GONNA BE REWRITING CHAPTER ONE SO WHEN YOU SEE THIS IS UPDATED WITH CHAPTER 6 PLEASE CHECK BACK ILL BE PUTTING THEM BOTH UP AT THE SAME TIME


	6. SIX x3

“Sheryl.” Larry had said, so long ago. She looked over, glowing in the moon, her hair slightly in her face.   
He felt no attraction whatsoever for her.   
He tried to force himself to, anyway. It was sinful. He had to do this. 

“I have something to tell you.” 

“Yeah?” She smiled. She was his friend. He chose her only because she was the only girl he felt he could at least live with. 

God. He felt sick. He knew this would hurt her, too. He didn’t want this. 

“I love you.” Lying is a sin, too. A lesser of two evils, he had decided. Anything to avoid burning in hell. Anything. Just like his parents had told him. Just like the ministers said. 

“Larry!” She had laughed. He felt like throwing up. 

Outwardly, Larry had been untouched. Untainted by tragedy and self-hatred.   
Inwardly, he had become a flaming wreck long before that crash.

-

“Vic.” Larry stood in the doorway, nervously. “Hey.” 

“Hey, Larry.” Vic turned to give him a wave. “What’s up?” 

“Well. I. Uh.” Larry paused. This was terrifying. “You know- computers and stuff, right?” 

“Uh- yeah! What do you need?” Vic looks at him for a moment. He really didn’t mind helping everyone with modern technology! He just never really realized how old everyone was until he was explaining to Larry how color TVs worked- or that cocaine was not a viable medicine anymore to Rita. 

“I. Want to meet people.” He held up his phone. “I don’t. Know how.” 

“Oh. Where did you get that phone?” 

“Rita said I could borrow it.” 

“...Okay. What do you want me to do?” Vic hasn’t dated since he was in high school. What was Larry expecting from him? 

“Cliff said there are apps for it. For men. Meeting. Other. Men.” Larry is gritting his teeth. “You know computers. I want to. Download one.” 

“Oh. Oh! I can help you with that. To an extent.” Vic clarified. “I’ll only help you set up and show you how to use it- the chatting is up to you.” 

“Okay.” Larry handed him the phone. 

“What are you after? There’s apps for metahumans, and gay people- I’m pretty sure there’s one for veterans-”

“Well. I guess I’d need. The metahuman one. Since they’d need. Some kind of.” He held up his hands. “Immunity.” 

“Right.” Vic did not like that implication. “Does Rita know you want to hook up with guys through her phone?” 

“Yes. She helped me prepare for this conversation.” Larry shuffled his feet nervously. “It. Did not work. Still awkward.” 

“You two are close. Okay- so I downloaded an app called Metameet- it’s mainly for metahumans but there’s an option for gay members. You’re- what, 95? So I already set your username as larrytrainor. That’s usually what- people around your age do.”

“I’m 92. Though the accident was when I was 30-something.” 

“Okay. I’ll put that as your age. And. Probably mention that you’re immortal.” 

“No. Wait.” Larry put his hand on Vic’s shoulder. “Don’t put that I’m gay. Please.” 

“Larry, it’ll say you’re a man seeking a man either way.” 

“I know. I just- I can’t be gay. I can’t.” He nearly gagged on the word both times. Vic only looked at him.

“...Okay.” He hit the backspace button. “What’s your problem with it?” 

Larry froze. Over the past month he’s had to explain this- five times? “Uh. I.” Fuck. Fuck! He doesn’t deserve this. “It’s just not allowed. I’m not- I’m not supposed to be- into men.” 

“You know that’s not true, right?” Vic gave him a confused look. “You… are allowed to be gay, Larry.” 

“It’s not like that. I-” He breathed in. “I guess you’re a little too young to really get it.” 

“Try me.” 

“In the 30s and 40s when I was a kid- it wasn’t- legal. To like. Others. Of the same sex.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Everyone was really religious, too. So. As hard as I tried to hide it- my parents eventually figured it out. I was 11. After that it just-” He paused. Vic nodded. 

“Oh. We learned about that in history in high school.” 

“Yeah. It was pretty common for parents to try and beat it out of us.” He paused. “Didn’t work.” 

“I’m sorry about that.” Vic started- 

“It’s fine. It doesn’t matter, now.” 

“Okay.” A pause. “I’m going to put ‘radiation immunity’ as a must.” 

“That’s a good idea.” Another pause. 

“Can I ask…?” 

“Ask what?” 

“How did you meet him?” 

Larry went silent for a minute, and Vic was scared he made him sad again, somehow. 

“We were in the same squadron.” He started slowly, remembering. “He wasn’t my first, honestly- but he was the- he was the one I really loved. I- honestly? If it wasn’t- literally illegal- and I was already married- I probably would have-” He stopped. He never said that out loud. 

“That’s. That’s rough, Larry.” He stopped to think. “You can do that now, you know.” 

“Yeah. I think- I think that’s why I’m doing this.” A pause. 

“I think I’m ready to live the way I always wanted to.”


	7. DELETED SCENE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was an almost chapter 7 focused around Larry and Danny- I wanted to give him a bf at some point but then i got bored and fell asleep and then forgot about it until literally just now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I share docs with my friends and often write notes to them while its in progress. i left them all in this one- welcome to my twisted process

When Larry spoke to Rita, he was afraid.   
When Larry came out, he was afraid.   
When Larry woke up, he was afraid.   
When Larry went to bed, he was afraid.   
Now, though, Larry was not afraid. 

-

Larry was on a walk. This wasn’t unusual for him, but today he had a purpose. wirteybuunjrfj

 

Danny greeted him with an excited banner. ‘Hi, Larry!!!!!!!’ He waved back, a little more apathetically than he intended. ‘What’s wrong???’ 

“Nothing, actually.” Larry surprised himself. “For once.” 

‘You don’t look okay’ Danny answered. ‘Are you sure??? OwO’ (RAT STOP BULLYING ME I CAN AND WILL MAKE DANNY OWO)

“I’m… nervous, I guess.” Larry started, but stopped. 

‘About what??’ 

“Well- I’m- I’m trying to be more open, from now on. Out.” He clarified, suddenly remembering he never actually told Danny he was gay. “Date… men. And stuff.” 

Confetti shot out of a manhole nearby. ‘CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!’ Blinked a nearby road sign. Larry is vaguely embarrassed for a reason he can’t pinpoint. 

“Ah. Thanks.” 

“Is that why you’re here??? I can tell you everything you need to know, or get you some pride merch!!!!!!!’ 

A pause. Larry was considering the information, not the pride merchandise. He was not ready for that, yet. “I- No thank you, Danny. I honestly was just here to visit you. Tell you what happened.” 

‘Awww!!!’ Danny shot more confetti. ‘Have you met anyone yet??? Are you on the scene???’ 

Larry stopped walking to turn toward the sign. “Kind of?” 

‘owo’ 

“I mean- Vic helped me make an account on a dating app.” 

‘OwO?’ 

“Nothing’s come of it, yet!” He added quickly. “I mean- I’ve received a couple dick pics.” 

‘That’s pretty normal for dating apps!!!’ 

_I never said I minded-_ he almost joked. “I’m kind of excited? But- also really nervous? That’s assuming anything happens at all, I mean-” 

‘Something will, Larry!!!!’ 

“Danny. Nobody can see my face.” 

‘Who said you need a face to be loved??? I don’t have a face!!’ 

They had a point. “I guess, but under the bandages I’m- I look like roadkill, Danny. I’m not even exaggerating.” 

‘Larry, that’s okay!!!!!! I don’t think you look like roadkill, but even if you did that’s okay!!!!!!!’ 

Larry found that completely incomprehensible. “What?” 

‘I mean it doesn’t matter! Scars just mean you survived! You’re so strong, Larry!!!!’ 

“Danny- you don’t know how bad it is, under here.” 

‘Niles said you were in a plane crash?’ 

“Yeah- but-” He looked for words. “Danny, if it weren’t for the spirit, I would’ve died. I look like a burnt corpse.” MEAT BALL MEAT BALL MEAT BALL

Danny was quiet for a moment, and Larry tilted his head at them. Was that analogy too much? It was accurate. 

He took a moment to look at his surroundings. Danny was the same- but the people that walked around him now were almost as colorful as Danny themself. Larry had felt at home here since their first visit, and he caught himself considering staying forever. He couldn’t do that, but it was admittedly a nice thought. 

“Oh.” Someone behind him said. Larry pivoted to see who it was.

“Oh.” He answered. It was a _man_. 

“I’m surprised to see a mummy this far from the desert.” The man said, starting to smile. 

“Did Danny set you up to this?” 

“Partly. They just said there was somebody they thought I’d like visiting.” He nodded slightly. “They were right.” 

‘:3c’ Danny said, behind Larry. 

Larry was having an aneurysm. It wasn’t that he wasn’t attracted to this guy- he very, very much was- but it had been over 60 years since anybody had shown any interest in him- what was he supposed to say? 

“Uh.” He started. “I. Um.” The man laughed, and Larry would’ve blushed if his skin wasn’t already red. “Fuck.” 

 

i am going to kill you with my mind for that oh my GOD... meat ball meat ball strap on larry claires


End file.
